Funny jokes and life quotes. Jokes Quotes and jokes.
Joke day. Post your recommendation for the joke of the day. Top 10. New funny stuff. Search - Daily jokes. Contact us.

Fresh Jokes - New Jokes Every Day!

Joke Of The Day



Daily Jokes

Victor Varnado: Bathroom Adventure
I actually recently had this bathroom adventure. I went to this urinal to, you know, urinalate, and this guy comes to the urinal, like, right next to me. You girls probably don't know this, but if a guy comes to the urinal right next to you, and there's, like, plenty of other urinals to go to, you always glance over to make sure he's not looking at your stuff, right? 'Cause it's yours. But the weird thing was that he glanced over and I glanced over at the same time, so we met eyes. I know -- that was weird. So, I kissed him.
Whitney Cummings: Silent Treatment
Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. 'I don't understand, who's that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?' Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument.
Louis C.K.: Working in Fast Food
The guy came up to me, my manager, the first day and said, 'I want you to go to all the tables, scrape the gum off with a butter knife.' And I was thinking, 'I'm not doing that. I'm definitely not doing it.' But I thought, why just say, 'No! The hell with you!' and get fired? That's boring. Instead I said to him, 'Yeah, OK. I'll do it.' Then, I didn't do it, and he came up to me later: 'Did you scrape the gum off the tables?' I was like, 'Oh, yeah, of course I did, sure.' And later, he comes up, he goes, 'You didn't scrape the gum off the tables?' I'm like, 'Ah! No. Damn.' 'Are you gonna do it?' 'Yeah, of course I'm gonna do it.' Three days later, I got fired. I got paid for three days.
Tig: Where Would You Go?
I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and he's hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was, 'If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?' And I was like, 'Anywhere?' He was like, 'Anywhere.' I was like, 'Uh -- to the other side of the room. Now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream.'
Leo Allen: If Animals Could Talk
We're in the vegetarian restaurant, which is fine, except for the whole time, I had to look over my friend's shoulder at this sign they had put up on the wall, and they framed the sign -- I think that's what really bugged me -- and the sign said, 'If animals could talk, we probably wouldn't eat them.' Come on, we're already in the vegetarian restaurant! It made me want to make my own sign and hang it up right next to it with a frame that said, 'If vegetables could talk, we'd freak the f**k out.'
Arj Barker: Overwhelmed at the Shoe Store
There are so many types of shoes. There's so many categories, and I really have no idea what type of shoe I need at any given time. And I go in there -- I find it a little bit overwhelming. 'Welcome to the shoe store! What are you looking for? Are you looking for walking shoes?' Well, uh, I'd like to have that option. Hopefully, they're adjustable. I mean, I'd like to be able to turn them up to other settings, as well.
Whitney Cummings: All Balls
Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?
Whitney Cummings: On Lisa Lampanelli's Face
From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: Lisa did an offensive joke earlier about Roger Ebert. His face is like that because he has jaw cancer. What's your excuse?
Whitney Cummings: On Lisa Lampanelli's Body
From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: They say women's bodies are like a wonderland -- yours is more like a football field because it's 100 yards and a lot of black dudes have sprained their ankle on it.
Patton Oswalt: If You Make It to 90
If you can take care of yourself and make it to 90, starting at age 90, every year, one law no longer applies to you. Now it starts off small: when you turn 90, you can legally litter. You can litter whenever you want to. You just walk up to a cop on your 90th birthday and drop a cheeseburger wrapper: 'Hey guess what today is? Give me a kiss.'
RSS integration by RSSinclude
Golf Joke
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, ...

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
RSS integration by RSSinclude

For more jokes, join the Joke Genie's Newsletter. The Joke Genie has busted out of the bottle and has a lot of good stuff to get off his chest!

Name:
Email:

Get more short jokes ... and long jokes, too.

Gag Gifts