Julian McCullough: Drunk Girl Orgasm Trying to get a drunk girl to finish is like trying to take a drunk girl home when she can't remember where she lives. She's like, 'That's not it, that's not it, that's not it.'
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
Natasha Leggero: Male Comics Male comics are always coming up to me, and they're like, 'Hey, Natasha, don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' And I'm like, 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'
Jon Lajoie: Mysteries of the Universe I have this thing that I do called 'Mysteries of the Universe,' when I gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. I realize how small and insignificant my girlfriend is. So, I get drunk and cheat on her with my 18-year-old neighbor.
Demetri Martin: Adult Toys It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy -- location, location, location.
Boiled Egg What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I don't think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!
Golf Joke A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, ...
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
