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Funny Jokes

Speeding - Finally A Good Excuse!

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the 401 for a nice evening drive. As the needle jumped up to 125 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

Confident he could outrun the police car, be began to drive faster. The needle hit 130, 140, 150 and finally 160 with the lights still behind him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork, and I did enjoy chasing you like that, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice night," said the officer as he returned to his car.

Here's Something Plucked From Our Funny Jokes Chest

The Pet Centipede

There was once a very lonely man, who went home to his lonely house every night, ate his meal for one TV dinner and went to bed, alone. One day he decided that he would buy a pet to keep him company. So along he went to his local pet shop. He described his sad lonely existence to the shop-keeper who immediately said "I've got the perfect pet for you! He's a very special pet, doesn't take a lot of looking after and very friendly". "Excellent, I'll take it", said the man. The shopkeeper went out to the back of the shop and came back with a very small box, "Inside this is a talking centipede", he said.

The man was delighted and intrigued; he paid for the centipede and took the little creature home.

Later that evening, he set the centipede on the kitchen table and said, "Hi there matey, I'm off to the pub for a pint, do you fancy joining me? There was no answer from the centipede. Still the man put it down to the centipede being in a new environment, "best let him get used to his new home" the man thought.

The next day the man set the centipede on the table and asked him again if he would like to accompany him to the pub - still no answer. Still acclimatising, thought the man.

The following day, the man tried again, thinking that if he still got no answer from the so-called "talking" centipede he'd take him back to the shop. So he put the centipede on the table and said, "Hey there, I'm off to the pub, do you fancy coming with me?"

To which the centipede replied, "I heard you the first time I was just putting my shoes on!"

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