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Free Joke... Or Two

Today's Free Joke Action Incudes Sign Humor and A Yo Mama Joke.


Sign Language

Sign over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow-out."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

22 Ways To Order A Pizza Over The Phone

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

4. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

5. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

6. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

7. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

8. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

9. Stutter on the letter "p."

10. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

11. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

12. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

13. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

14. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. Escargo for example.

15. Change your accent every three seconds.

16. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

17. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. Say, "Last time they delivered by hand!"

18. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about any subject. Keep em coming till the order taker says something. Try this spiel: "The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. There are over 6.5 billion people in the world, many have never had a pizza, though many have." Etc.

19. Ask to see a menu.

20. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. "Do YOUR eyes also water up when YOU pull em out?... You should look into those electric nose clippers! If you have a forest in there... better load up on the batteries! For some reason my wife never has any WORKING batteries around!"

21. Start the conversation with, "My call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. ... action!"

22. Ask: "How many dolphins were killed to make that pizza?"

Yo Mama's So FAT, Her Driver's License Says...

Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

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