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Jump Or Else!

A first jump student is in the plane, at 3000', and won't go.

His jumpmaster, anxious to jump, glares at him and yells, "IF YOU DON'T JUMP, I'M GONNA F**K YOU UP THE ASS !!!"

The next day, the student's friends ask him if he jumped. He replies, "Yea .... a little at first."

Married 3 Times And Still A Virgin?

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin."

The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it.

My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.

Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

Cop On A Horse

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

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